


The Serenity of Pain

by for_t2



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: F/F, Guilt, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Mental Breakdown, Post-Canon, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-12-27 21:24:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21125480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/for_t2/pseuds/for_t2
Summary: Faith isn't ready for things to be better, isn't ready to accept that things can be better





	The Serenity of Pain

It was supposed to be perfect. 

It was supposed to be everything Faith ever wanted. Every good dream she ever had. Every bit of joy, of hope, of love she could find. It was supposed to be her everything. And it was. 

So why does she feel like shit?

She had found her place with the Scoobies. None of them flinched when she walked in anymore, none of them backed away when she made a stupid joke. Dawn trained with her. Will shared secrets with her. She had friends. Giles trusted her with the toughest missions. Angel did karaoke with her. She had family. And Buffy… 

Buffy did everything with her. They trained together, patrolled together, ate together, laughed together. Bit by bit by bit, they got closer and closer. The chosen two, working together at last. 

And one night in a graveyard, just back from a mission on the other side of the world, in the middle of her animated story about how totally badass she was when she saved the latest slayer from a demon with too many arms and too many teeth on its arms, Buffy stopped, and looked at her all the right ways, and smiled the smile Faith’s always wants to see. Buffy told her she missed her and kissed her in a kiss Faith never thought she’d feel, which she never wanted to end. The next time Faith came back from a mission, the kiss went a little deeper. The third time, it went all the way. 

It’s the best thing to ever happen to Faith. 

So why does she feel like shit?

Why does the wind in her back, a little shove across the roof, her toes dangling a little further off the edge, why does it feel so good? Why does it feel so right?

“Faith?” 

If there’s one voice Faith isn’t ready to hear, it’s hers. Especially when it sounds so careful, so confused, so scared. 

So Faith ignores it. 

“Faith, what are you doing?” 

Not that she’d be able to find the words if she didn’t.

And when those footsteps crunch across the gravel towards her, Faith wants to let herself fall, one last time. But the buzz, the slight pull of their connection, of ancient slayer magic, and maybe even more ancient feelings, keep her paralysed. 

“Faith,” Buffy says, reaching out. “It’s cold.” And when Buffy wraps an arm around her and pulls her back onto the gravel, Faith wants to scream, Faith wants to kick and struggle, to feel the hate she hasn’t felt in years. “Let’s go back to bed.” 

But Faith can’t. So she settles for simple. A quick, clean elbow to Buffy’s face. Enough to send her flying, to send her away from Faith. 

And when Buffy looks up, the blood dripping from her nose, her eyes wide in shock, in a hurt that confirms everything Faith knows about herself, Faith can’t feel herself break a little more. 

“Go away.” 

“Faith?” 

“Just leave me alone.” 

“Faith,” and Buffy starts to get up, to move towards her. “Is something—” 

So Faith kicks her while she’s still done, with all the strength a wild slayer has. “What’s wrong with you?” At least when Buffy’s trying to catch her breath back, she’s not looking at Faith like that. “How can you be so fucking blind?”

When Faith goes in for a third kick, Buffy’s ready. She blocks it. Sends one back, enough to send Faith stumbling. “Faith, let’s talk about this.” 

Faith knows Buffy well enough to know that the calm she’s trying to project is nothing but a fake. “Nothing to say, B.” 

“There’s always something to talk about, Faith.” She doesn’t get it. “That’s what makes us a good team.” She doesn’t fucking get it. “Please, just look at me.” 

Faith punches her. “I can’t!” 

“Faith, please.”

“I can’t!” She doesn’t get it. She can’t get it. Faith’s always been shit at communicating. Especially with Buffy. Always with Buffy. “When I look at you, I don’t see you! I just… I see… God, B, I hurt you so badly.” 

“It was a long time ago.” 

“It’s never a long time ago in here,” Faith gestures at her head in a way that she knows comes off as a little unhinged. But it’s not like Faith’s ever been known for her sanity. 

“It doesn’t have to be.” 

“Don’t lie to me, B.” 

“I would never—” 

“Well I would!” Buffy has to realise that. “I do. I do all the time. All the time, B!” 

“I don’t believe that.”

Faith is sure that the Powers-That-Be notice the irony. “You’re lying to me now.” 

“Please come back to bed, Faith.”

Faith laughs, as bitter, as spiteful as she can manage. “Remember what I said, B?” She holds a hand over the scar across her stomach that still regularly prickles in phantom pain. “You kill me, you become me.” 

“You’ve become an amazing slayer, Faith.” Shut up. “An amazing friend.” Shut up. “Someone I—” 

Before Buffy has the chance to finish that last word, Faith draws a knife out of her belt. “Then do it.” She holds it out to Buffy. Dares her to take it. To do the right thing. 

Buffy shakes her head in a way that Faith just knows is her trying to stop the tears. 

“Do it!” Because Faith knows she’s done it before, and Faith knows she can do it again. Should do it again. “Send me to hell, B.” 

“No.” And it’s not just Buffy’s head that’s shaking. 

“Please.” Please. “Don’t make me wait.”

“No.” And Faith isn’t ready, isn’t capable of dealing with it, when Buffy takes a tentative step towards her. “Never.” 

And when Buffy closes her hand around Faith’s, when she gently pulls the knife away, Faith barely notices the tear that drips down her cheek. “Please.” 

“You’re not going to hell.” Buffy’s voice seems a little stronger. A little more confident. More righteous. “Come back to bed. We can talk about it tomorr—” 

“Just leave.” Faith shakes her off before she can hug her. 

“Remember when you asked how to make it better?” As if Faith could ever forget that night. “You have, Faith. You’ve made it better.”

“I can’t.”

“Please don’t do this to me, Faith.”

Too late. “Just go.”

“Faith?”

“Just go.”

Silence. 

Buffy doesn’t move when Faith turns her back on her. When Faith takes a seat on the edge. 

“Go.” 

And when footsteps follow the silence, retreating towards the safety of the inside, the home that Faith’s can’t trespass in anymore, Faith almost feels calm. Even the slammed door, the twisting of their slayer connection, the sniffle Faith’s hearing picks up, even those can’t ripple the calm. 

Maybe some part of Faith knows that she still loves Buffy, that she always has and always will, no matter what. But she can’t feel that now. Isn’t ready to feel that. 

Not now. 

Just the calm.


End file.
